If somebody only knew
by nobodyshouldknow
Summary: These are the things that make you who you are. Some everyone knows, others you only share with the once you completely trust, and some you take with you to the grave. Inspired by "Five things" written by Lynabelle.
1. Garcia

_I do not own Criminal Minds, it´s characters or plots.I know this fic is a lot like Five things, but I was just so inspired by the fic that I had to make this one, so I hope that Lynabelle will take this as a compliment. Please review. (pretty please)_

If someone only knew

The Gleeful Garcia

Garcia _is_ as happy and crazy as she seems. She has too much confident to act like someone she is not. Well...that isn´t entirely true. There is more to her than that. She has some other sides. But she doesn´t want to show them. Why? Because either she doesn´t want people to see her real emotions , or she is afraid of that people might hurt her, so she pretends to be the fast-talking, eccentric, flirtatious person she is at times, so that she won´t feel as naked. It is the perfect shield. But sometimes she can´t help but to let her other parts step up, because Penelope Garcia has never been good at hiding her feelings. But there are a few things she prefers to keep to herself. Either because she doesn´t want to share it with anyone or because she doesn´t want role around in sad thoughts.

She _did_ have a crush on Morgan first when they met. A huge one. Now she just loves him as a friend. Why didn´t she tell Morgan back then, make him hers, or at least try? Because despite everything she can be slightly insecure at times-especially when it comes to men. And Morgan reeked of player. Plus they were colleagues. But she probably wouldn´t have let it stop her if she had any hopes of things working out between them.

She _hates_ Ian Doyle, Tobias Hankel or Charles or Raphael or whatever his name was, and George Foyet for all the pain that they in their own, sick ways have caused her family.

She loves Kevin and he is the first guy she has ever been this serious about. Actually he is the first guy she has ever been serious about since every guy she has ever been with left her before anything became too deep. Or she just found out that they were no good and dumped them.

She still has nightmares about some of the things she has seen on the screen. The worst one was when Reid got kidnapped. She can still imagine his screams when that filthy, soul-sucking son of a bitch beat him up.

Losing Emily crushed her heart. Maybe even more than when her parents died.

She knows that even though Reid is pessimistic, then he wouldn´t worry about schizophrenia if there wasn´t a reason to and that frightens her-but she´ll never let Reid know that. Ever.

She still feels guilty for letting someone get into her computer and nearly killing one of team.

She still thinks about Christopher and she really hopes he is all right.

She still thinks about the bastard that shot her. Not much anymore (thank god for that. Suppose having an insanely long work-schedule does pay of sometimes) but still. And once in a while (okay, more often than that) she has nightmares about him. The first few weeks after the incident Morgan stayed at her place. Even after he moved out again she called him when she woke up with a nightmare and he´d comfort her without complaining. She doesn´t know what she would have done if he hadn´t and she can never describe how grateful she is for what he did for her. Or how sorry she is that JJ had to shoot the guy. She really hopes that she doesn´t feel too bad about it. After all, that guy doesn´t deserve JJ feeling guilty over him. He doesn't even deserve being her mind.

The thought of losing one of the team is unbearable to her. When Reid was held hostage by Tobias, when she thought Morgan had died, when Hotch got shot, when Reid inhaled the anthrax, when the press stupidly blew Reid´s and Emily´ covers the time when they were in Colorado and that god-awful psycho priest-thingy Cyrus beat up Emily. All of those times left her terrified and hear-broken. And she will never, ever, EVER tell them how much it still bothers her. Or how afraid she gets every time they leave for another case. Because it is her job to be the optimistic one. And she refuses to fail them.


	2. Gideon

_I don´t own CM and I´d love to get some reviews._

The Genuine Gideon

Gideon didn´t want to lose contact with his son. Never. And he didn´t really want to lose contact with the team either. That was simply just necessary. Otherwise he wouldn´t be able to heal. He wouldn´t have been able to move on and let go of the past. Plus he just felt to guilty about letting them down so much. But even if he could talk to them there are some things he probably would never share with. Or anyone else for that matter.

He misses his son everyday and hates himself for letting him down so many times.

He wishes he wouldn´t have messed up his marriage. Not because he has any feelings for his ex-wife anymore, but because if he hadn´t messed it up, then he still would have some for her, and he wouldn´t have to go to bed alone every night. And he wouldn´t feel so guilty about letting her down. She deserved better.

He misses Sara and he hates Frank for killing her. But a part of him also blames himself for her death. A big part He knows he shouldn´t-he just can´t help it.

Those hallucinations of Sara didn´t go away until months after he left the BAU- and when they did, he felt relieved. But still…deep down he kind of wanted them back. Badly.

He really regrets just leaving a letter behind. It was cowardly of him and the team deserved more. He really hopes that Spencer read the letter and truly understood it´s message.

It wasn't that he didn´t want to say goodbye. He just couldn´t imagine being able to deal with whatever reaction he might get. He didn´t want them asking why he was going, because either he´d wind up telling them why, or he wouldn´t and then they´d just make him feel even more guilty then he already did.

He left that letter to Spencer for two reasons. The first one was that he knew his father had left him when he was a kid, and he knew how easy it was to break his trust, to make him feel unwanted. He didn't wanted to be another reason that the kid felt so insecure about himself. He had been through enough. No reason to add betrayal on the list. So Gideon wanted to make sure Reid would understand that. The other reason was simply just that…well he loved Spencer and apart from Hotchner (whom he saw as a brother, a younger brother, but a brother and an equal none the less) then he was the one on the team that was closest to him. It was as simple as that. A simple, fatherly affection.

He still can´t stop thinking about all these cases, the bodies of all the victims, all those parents who have lost their children. He wants to forget and move on, but it seems impossible. Plus, there is a part of him that feels like that the victims and their families deserved to be remembered.

For some reason he has gotten in the habit of searching for people that remind of the team. Women with tough attitude but also friendliness and compassion, like Elle, determined and ethical women like Emily, sweet, caring women like JJ, goofy but loyal men with heart of gold like Morgan, serious but sympathetic men like Hotch, crazy ladies like Garcia, with her confident and positive energy, and someone as brilliant, caring and selfless as Reid. So far, he haven´t found anyone.

He finally got the guts to visit Stephen. It was wonderful to see him after all those years. And sad to discover how much time had gone to waste.


	3. Greenaway

_I still don´t own CM and I still love reviews_

The Gutsy Greenaway

She doesn´t regret leaving. Not for a minute. Not anymore. She missed the team to begin with, and still does from time to time, and she does feel weak because she couldn´t handle being shot, even if she knows that it´s wrong to think like that. Her pride is just too wounded, like her soul. But at the end of the day, it was for her own good. She realizes that now, but it took her a long time to get it. When her anger had calmed down (which took some while) see started regretting ever leaving the BAU, but she couldn´t bring herself to go back there. Her pride wouldn´t let her, and deep down she had to admit that she was scared. Big brave Elle was just too frightened to go back to hunting serial killer. And frankly, she just didn´t want to. Once she had been desperate to get the job. And now she wanted nothing more than to stay a hell away from that god-forsaken building . Yes, leaving the BAU had in the end been the best for her, even if she quit for the wrong reasons. Morgan probably would get a kick out of it if he´d ever hear her say that. Elle Greenaway, admitting that she was wrong-and weak. Of course she´d eat her own arm before telling him. But that´s not the only thing she´d never tell him. Or the rest of the BAU.

She was terrified when she got accused of killing that guy in Jamaica. The thought of being labeled a murderer and sent to prison…

To begin with, she couldn´t help blaming Hotch, Reid and Garcia for her getting shot. If only Hotch hadn´t broken the rules and gotten someone else involved in the case…he should have known better…if Reid hadn´t written all those personal information in his letter to his mother…if Garcia hadn´t been so careless to be playing some lame-ass online computer game…then she would never have been shot.

Sometimes she wants to say goodbye to the team, give them a proper farewell. She really regrets just walking away like that. But now it´s too late and she can´t just knock on their door anymore.

She did get help. But only after she nearly attacked her mother when she caught her of guard. Then she realized she should see someone about the shooting.

She started drinking a lot after the shooting, in order to forget. Then she started drinking to get drunk. Today she is a recovering alcoholic and has been clean for three years.

She misses seeing Morgan teasing Reid. Even more, she misses teasing Reid together with Morgan. But the reason she always liked seeing them making fun of each other (okay, so Reid never made fun of Morgan. It would be priceless to see if he ever did it, though) was not just because it was funny, or because Reid was just too irresistible to mock, but also because she thought it was cute. It was Morgan way (or so she guessed) of showing affection and making Reid feel like a part of the team. Plus Morgan was simply just damn annoying, so it was to be expected from him.

She didn't buy Reid´s lie about not having any connection with a schizophrenic person for a second. But if he didn´t want to tell her, then she wasn´t going to invade his privacy.

She saw Garcia once on the street, but ran off without before she saw her. She didn´t know why, but she just didn´t want to face her.

Seeing them together, Morgan and Reid, always made her miss her older brother.

She still has nightmares about the son of a bitch who shot her. His burned face, the gun pointed at her, his voice…but worst of all, those dead, empty eyes. They were always the last thing she saw before walking up screaming.


	4. Hotch

_CM don´t belong to me, I just own these speculations. Yet again I want to remind you of my love on reviews._

The Honorable Hotchner

It is his job to lead the team. He is the one with the responsibility. First and foremost he is Jack´s father and that is an ever bigger responsibility. Wherever he goes, wherever he is, he´s in charge. The guy with the duties, the obligations and the authority. He is a protector, a leader, a fighter, a caretaker. No matter what. And because he is that, then there are certain things he must carry alone.

Brown used to be Haley´s favorite color. He never understood why. It was so boring and dull. It has started to grow on him now though. Once Haley bought a brown dress. He thought it was hideous, but he never said that to her. Every time he sees a brown dress he thinks of her.

Jack is, and always has been, the most important thing in his world. Nothing and no one will ever get to touch that boy as long as he lives. The thought of losing him was unbearable.

It broke his heart when Haley divorced him. Losing, knowing he had hurt her so much and the fear of not being able to spend the little time he had outside of work with Jack terrified him. If it hadn´t been for the fact that he still could see his son once in a while, he probably wouldn´t have made it through the whole thing.

He would never admit it to anyone, but if it hadn´t been for Jack, then he probably would have considered taking his own life when Haley died. Or maybe pulled a Gideon. Just take off. But he definitely would have turned back to the job. He sacrificed his marriage for the job, he would never be able to leave it forever. If so then Haley´s death would be for nothing.

He wanted to spend more time with his family. Haley and Jack were the most important thing in the world to him. But he just couldn´t stop working. He wanted to but he couldn´t. There were always more killers to catch, more people to save. He just couldn´t.

He can never repay Morgan for doing so much paper work for him. He seemed hell bent on making sure that he could get as much time with Jack and possible. Morgan had been right: every minute counts.

How much he loved Garcia. She was the sun that shone through the team´s darkness and depression. He had really meant it when he told her to never change.

The reason he had threatened to fire Reid was because he had been terrified when he had seen him standing in the shooting line.

Jessica was like a god´s gift to him. Having someone help with Jack, knowing that when he was away his son had someone he loved and trusted with him, it means the world to him. Also being able to talk to an adult that knew and loved Haley. It really did help. Not much, but it was still nice to be able to talk about her with someone he didn´t have to put a brave face on for. And when she said that she Haley and hadn´t divorced because they didn´t love each, meant the world to him.

JJ was like the sister he never had. Losing her hurt him more then he let on. Sometimes it felt like she was his partner. Like that they were the parents in this strange family that the team was to all of them. If so, then Rossi was the crazy uncle, the father´s long lost brother. The rest would be their children. Garcia and Morgan were the twins that drove them all crazy, but still made them laugh and Reid would be the youngest one, the baby in the family. And just like with his other family, the mother of his children had been taken away from him. Ironically in Haley´s case it was his job that took her away, but with JJ it was hers.


	5. JJ

_Reviews greatly appreciated._

The Jaunty Jareau

She tries to acted like she is happy, which she for the most of it. At least considering her job. She doesn´t want anyone to know when things get much for her, to think of her as a victim or someone who needs comfort. It is not that she can´t open up or that she won't accept a shoulder to cry on when she needs one, but in general then she doesn´t want to show people if something is bothering her. Otherwise the pain becomes even more real. That´s why she hides some things. So people won´t ask her and make them even worse.

Leaving her job was hard. She didn´t miss choosing the cases, or having to deal with serial killers and she definitely didn´t miss knowing about all the families that lost someone important to them. But she _did_ miss the team. It was wonderful to be free from watching all these dead bodies and most of all, to have more time for Henry and Will, but she wanted so badly to be able to see the team more often. even if the cases were horrible she somehow couldn´t deal with not catching serial killers anymore. Maybe it´s the same reason that Hotch constantly choice his job over his family. She hopes she will be luckier than him

Her sister suicide crushed her parents. For a long time her mother couldn´t stand looking at her.

She loves Will and he is the father of her child but that doesn´t mean that their relationship is going to last, even if she wants it to. Hopefully it will for Henry´s sake.

She still blames herself for what happened to Reid in Georgia

She hated having to lie to the team about Emily. Whenever Reid came over to her place to cry, it took every piece of strength she had to not confess everything. She can still hear him when he said he didn´t get to say goodbye.

She really didn´t wish it on Garcia to be the one picking the cases, she is just too happy and…well not innocent (no one who had heard her talk to Morgan would _ever _call her that) but she was just too _bright_. That was the word. Bright. But it didn't mean JJ t wasn´t glad it wasn't her job anymore.

Henry is the most important person in her live. She loves him more than words can describe, and he really is the light that shines up her live with all those cases. Too bad she can´t spend more time with him. If she could change anything, it would be that.

She made sure to everything she could to keep the promise she made to Garcia when she left the BAU.

Will really didn´t like it when she returned to the BAU and tried to talk her out of it. But she had to see her family more and even if the cases were horrible she somehow couldn´t deal with not catching serial killers anymore. Maybe it´s the same reason that Hotch constantly choice his job over his family. She hopes she will be luckier than him

She still thinks about the guy she killed. The one that shot Garcia. It´s not that she didn´t hate him for hurting Garcia, it´s just that she can´t help but to feel guilty about it.


	6. Morgan

_Please review. Wether it´s a compliment or to point out something I could do better._

The Moral Morgan

It is not that he doesn´t trust the team. He does. Mostly, at least. It is just that he really doesn´t want to share some things with other people. Not even the team. He refuses to do it. It is after all his life, he decides who he trust and who he shares what with. He told Emily about what Buford did to him, he told Reid about when he was bullied, but only because he wanted to. Well, in Reid´s case it was more about helping Reid. But some things are to private, and therefore he´ll probably take them with him to the grave.

The first time he had sex he almost couldn´t go through with it because of what Buford did to him. Luckily he doesn´t have that problem anymore, because he refuses to let it control him. Unfortunately it still does. It prevents him from trusting people, from allowing them in and from having a real relationship.

Garcia means the world to him and there is absolutely nothing he wouldn´t do for her. She is his little angle.

He might be a tough guy now, but he still thinks with humiliation of the bullies that beat him up and what Buford did to him. What he said to Reid was true: You forget half of what you learn in high school, but when it comes to the pain and the humiliation you go through there, everyone got an elephant´s memory.

He does miss his mother and sister and he wishes he could spend some more time with them, but he has to do catch these sick bastards and frankly he is not to found of going back to Chicago. Too many bad memories.

Garcia might be his best friend and Reid is like a little brother to him, but Prentiss is without a doubt the person he trusts the most and the one that he is closest to in the whole world.

It hurt him to lose Elle. She had been a good friend to him, even though they hadn´t been close. But somehow, with time she became a distant memory and Emily became a part of the team. The same happened with Gideon after Rossi came. One moment it felt so strange to have someone else than Gideon around but the next it felt like it had been like that forever and Jason Gideon became nothing more than a name of someone he used to know.

It really stung when his knee got hurt and he couldn´t play anymore. Not that he had planned to make a carrier out of it (already back than law enforcement spoke to him) but it still was heart-breaking.

Being unit chief really gave him a taste of responsibility that was heavy, bust still surprisingly appealing to him. But he was glad to have Hotch back, and he never would have considered preventing him from getting it back. Especially not when Jack looked up to his father like that. Like he had looked up to his father.

Now, years later, he still has nightmares about it when his father died. Fortunately they don´t come as often as they did when he was younger.

One of these days Reid is not going to have his luck with him. He is going to do something stupid, like with Bryar or Hankle, or get unlucky like the time with Cyrus, and he won't make it. It terrifies Morgan and he tries not to think about it, but he knows it is true. Spencer Reid will die in the field.


	7. Prentiss

_I´d love a review_

The poignant Prentiss

When you´re raised by someone who doesn´t show affection or shares their feelings with the people around them (not close to them, because they don´t let anyone near them, not even their family) you learn to hide your emotion and start thinking that opening up to anyone is wrong, weak and inappropriate. It teaches you to keep your thoughts concealed. Maybe that´s why she there are some things she doesn´t want to admit, not even to the team.

It was even harder for her to leave the team then she thought it would be. And it was much harder to go back then she had expected.

She truly loved Declan and she wanted nothing more than to give him a good, happy, save life.

She also loved Doyle, in a way. Not like Lauren did, not romantically, but she cared for him. Despite the fact that she despised and feared him. No matter how much she hated him then there was still a small part of her that cared about him and when he died she was sad. It was a relieve knowing he would harm her again and that Declan was save and that no one would died because of him again, but she still couldn´t bring herself to not feel anything for him when he died. And that sickens her.

No matter how hard she wishes to not care about her parents, then she can´t stop wanting them to love her. It infuriates her that people that she resents have so much control over her and that she want the love of someone that treat her like she is meaningless.

She tries hard to hide her geekiness, but sometimes, being around Reid does it hard for her. There are just too many temptations.

What Cyrus did to her effected her more than she let on to. But she didn´t want to show it because of Reid. She feared he might blame himself if he knew how freaked out she was.

She envies JJ for having a nice man and a healthy child. It really disappointed her when she found out that Carrie wasn´t going to stay with her. Taking care of her probably wouldn´t be such a good idea since her job didn't give her enough time to bond with a teenager, especially one who had been through as much as Carrie, but still. The idea of a child was tempting. Hopefully Carrie was doing all right.

She missed her team while she was in France. She missed Morgan, the loyal, but annoying big brother who looked out after everyone, the sweet and weird Reid, the geeky little brother she never had, the wonderful, loving, optimistic Garcia with her strange way of talking and her incredible talent of brightening up their day, Hotch who always cared for the team and who had the strength, morals and compassion of a true hero, JJ with her friendly attitude and great sense of humor and Rossi with all his wisdom, smart comments and his calm persona that nothing seemed to be able to shake. She missed them all so much. Being apart from them, having to constantly be hiding, pretending to be someone she wasn´t, every waking moment, it drove her insane. One time she saw a street performer doing magic trick, and she almost started crying when she started thinking of Reid´s physics magic.

It was hard travelling around so much when she was a kid, constantly moving, always having to say goodbye. And the horrors she saw. Now she wonders how her parent could just have let her go through all that.

The abortion was one of the most painful decisions she made in her live. Sometimes she wonders what it would have been like if she had kept the baby. She tries not to think about it, but she can´t help it. After all, it was _her _baby.


	8. Reid

The Raging Reid

People have the ability to hurt him. He knows it very well. At some point everyone simply just leaves. It´s disappointing and humiliating when you think someone actually cares about, but then you realize that you were wrong. It isn´t a good feeling either when someone says that you are making far too big deal out of what you are going through. Because if someone thinks so...well then they would be right. Right? So he tries not to complain too much or show any form of self-pity. And how can you know for sure if people can keep a secret? That´s why Reid refuses to share some stuff with others, even the team. He just can´t allow him to trust someone like that. Not even the team.

. It hadn´t been Charles angry face that effected him the worst, or Raphael´s cold expression. No, it had been Tobias Hankle´s eyes turning empty as he died. And Reid himself was the one who killed him.

He hated himself for caring when his father left. For not being able to stop loving someone who didn´t love him back.

His deepest fear is to become like his mother. Schizophrenia is a painful, life-absorbing curse that has been lingering over his head since he can remember, and he does not want end up like that. Then losing an arm or a leg would be better. Just not his mental health.

Crowd was a bad person, but he still hates himself for shooting him. It was easier though than to deal with Tobias´ death. He hadn´t been a bad person after all. Not at all.

For months after Emily´s death he saw her everywhere. Sometimes it seemed so real that for a moment he actually thought it was her. He talked to her too. They´d discuss the cases, the team and how they were doing. He´d also talk about how much he missed her and loved her. It made it a little bit easier.

He really hopes he won´t start doing drugs again. He doesn´t want to go down that road again. Ever.

He couldn´t have been more honored when JJ chose him as a godfather. Hopefully he won´t let her down.

One day he´ll have to deal with letting Nathan go. And when it happens, he is going to hate himself.

He wants to be strong. Ever since his dad left that has been his goal. To be strong. Therefore he won´t quit his job, that´s why he won´t do drugs again and that´s why he will never let anyone sacrifice anything for him.

Sometimes he forgets he is nobody who doesn't matter and then he really feels like he belongs on the team.


	9. Rossi

The Rebellious Rossi

He might be a part of the team and he trusts them. But what happens off cases, especially before he rejoined, is his business and his business alone. It´s just like that. They are in his life now, but once they weren´t and they don´t have to know anything about what happened before that. So he keeps some things to himself.

He never in a million years thought that he´d be childless and unmarried in his fifties.

He still calls them once in a while, Connie and her siblings. They are doing better now that they know who killed their parents. Connie actually seems to enjoy talking to him.

He wishes he had showed up for Emma´s funeral. But maybe it was for the best. It might have gone bad and she deserved better than that.

For a moment he actually thought for a second that he had a chance to win his first wife over. Then she told him that she was dying. How is that for a disappointment?

After the third time Rossi finally gave up on marriage. Not for other people, but for him. Still, he can´t help but thinking that one day a woman who could make him reconsider that, might just show up. Hopefully he has learned of his past mistakes so he won´t have to die with the fact that he got divorced four times.

After all these cases he has worked on, he often feels like he can´t remember what normal feels like. The memories hunt him and sometimes they suffocate him. It´s his whole world, and it´s a nasty one.

He was worried about JJ coming back. What would that do to her family, Will and Henry? He really didn´t want to see her go through something like Hotch and he didn´t want to see her leave again, especially not after Emily´s death. That would be too much for the team. But he was still glad to see her again.

He really wished he could have done something more for Zoe´s mom. All alone and burying her own daughter. That had to be awful.

It sickens him when people find his books _entertaining._

Even though he only had a few hours with his son before he died then he still misses him deeply.


End file.
